I think i peed on brittanys purse
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
