Are we in a gay sports bar?
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
