so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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