i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
50% drunk capacity currently
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
