It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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