so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
