she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
