well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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