During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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