From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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