The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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