My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
