hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
