bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
