Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
