Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize