You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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