I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
