you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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