Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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