if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
