Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
