I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
