I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
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