is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
