dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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