I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
