the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
