Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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