i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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