this boner is exhausting
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
