and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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