my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
