Don't you send me to vm
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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