I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Randomize
