i already hear my dad disowning me
People in love make me want to vomit
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
