I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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