I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
