Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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