Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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