i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
