I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
