Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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