You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
