Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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