Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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