i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
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