i need an iv and a liver transplant
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
