so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
