I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
