I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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