my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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