I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
