that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Randomize
