They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
