Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
