Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
