Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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