if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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